Martha Mihaly

come and visit me at Martha's Story and at HH4H two!

This is without a doubt one of my favourite pictures of one of my best friends.  Thanks to Richard for taking it.

 

 

Well here we are.  I now have the freedom to blog on any topic, with any opinion.  It just so happens the figurative 'well of inspiration' is dry today!

 

I think that I am wholly consumed by the news of my stress fracture in my rght leg (I guess walking 35 km a week is too much) and by my upcoming kitchen renovation.  Somehow, I think that painting with a sore leg and a bum knee isn't going to be as much fun as I had hoped!

 

In fact I never knew what a popular name Martha is.  It so happens that my drywall patcher, painter and electrician are all named Martha.  One day, I will have the freedom to hire tradesmen/women!  I suppose it is a good exercise to show the kids how important it is to be 'able' and to know that when you make a mistake, it can usually be fixed.

 

Freedom to make mistakes, freedom to learn, freedom to blog!

 

Have a good one.

 

For those of you who come and find you can't comment on the blog, pls fire off an email to support@respectance.com and tell those guys to get their act together!

 

Marthae

I haven’t been posting as much these last couple of weeks.  As I mentioned, my life has been in a great deal of turmoil of late and H and I have been hunkered down trying to figure out the game plan for the near future!

 

Lots has happened for us this last year.  I began working part time again after 12 years at home.  One daughter is attending an enrichment school in a The City, other daughter is music crazy with lessons a couple times a week, my work has been more enriching than I could have dreamed, H has lost his job, and found another.  

 

H’s new job requires far more travel than the last, leaving me to single parent (read chauffeur) even more than before.  My job, that I so love, has evolved from research to blogging and member contact, to all of those and site stats, to those and advertizing…in other words it’s no longer a part time job, but a full time one. Richard and Todd tried to persuade me to move into the full time job, but it would mean moving homes, schools, and many other things.

 

H and I have talked about it, and after speaking with my dear friends Richard and Todd, we came to the conclusion that I just cannot keep the pace up in the crazy 7/24 world of the internet, and keep up the pace with our new demands of H’s work and the family.

 

I guess, I am beating around the bush a bit, trying to say what I need to tell you…I’ll be leaving Respectance at the end of the month.  I’ll still be a member of the community, but I won’t be doing all the other stuff.  It’s a bitter sweet thing.  It will be nice not to be online all the time, working through all of the time zones we have members and employees in, but I will miss you all. The new host will come on board next week, and I'll do an introduction for you! 

 

So farewell as the Host, and ‘hi’ as just Martha.

I spent a couple of hours sitting in the dungeon like cavern of the gymnastics club again today.  My youngest is taking recreational gymnastics this fall and winter.  I have to stay on site, but can’t watch her because of the setup of gym.  It took me a few weeks, but I finally realised that with my headphones in and music blaring, I could block out the majority of the parents and children waiting in the small, smelly, poorly lit room. 

Presto!  I’m multi tasking again.  I can get some work done.

I listened to the parent chatter for the first couple of weeks.  This gym is well known, and has a nationally recognized competitive program.  Most of the chatter is pretty serious ‘gym-mom’ chat.  The reasons that people enrol their kids in programs will always be personal, but my gosh there certainly is a B-R-O-A-D range of reasons.  We’re here for fun.  Many of the other kids most certainly are not.

I suppose some people believe it’s important to be a ‘master’ of a trade, those people tend to look down on others who are merely ‘jacks of many trades’.  For the most part, I believe  it’s important to have a general knowledge base in life that has breadth and depth...I am a chick of all trades, and it has served me well.

Anyhow, I hope to impart to my children how important it is to love what you do, enjoy what you can, and try and change things if you don’t like what you are doing.  It is how I have tried to live my life.

 It’s an exciting time in my daughter’s life – she is learning new skills.

It’s an exciting time in my life.  I have learned many new skills these last 10 months and gotten to know many of you.   We’ve had a lot of changes in our family life too with many new demands.

It’s an exciting time for Respectance.  Our membership keeps growing and I see the seeds of this young community sprouting. 

Look forward to the exciting things that the future brings, and don’t forget to enjoy the ride!

I was thinking about the number of 'friends' that I have shown on Respectance, Facebook, and the other social networking sites...I think the meaning of the word will have to change if this keeps up!  My 75 year old dad has over 300 friends on facebook.  I joke with him that he has more friends there than he EVER had in real life.

 

It started me thinking about all of the diferrent kinds of friendships that I have. 

 

Life friends - people I have been close friends with for at least 20 years, who know all my secrets, who would give me their last dollar if I needed it ( 5  people - you know who you are and I love you all.) They are worth more to me than all the money in the world.

 

Adult friendships - those I have formed in the last 20 years, these are friendships that may or maynot stand the test of time.

 

Social friendships - all the people that we know from having a life!

 

Gym friendships - I am embarrased to say some o fthese people I have seen 3 times a week for 10 years and don't know their names...but I know a lot of other things about them!

 

Internet friends - people I've met here in cyberspace, I am unsure of how they will fit into the grand scheme?  I haven't been at this long enough.

 

Time will tell about the last catagory.  There are several blogger friends that I really would like to meet if the opportunity presented itself, although that could be like opening the Christmas present after you've already snuck a look at it...kind of dissapointing.

 

I am curious how the rest of you feel about this?  What's the glue that makes people click?  What makes a friendship?  Why do some whither and others grow?

 

 

 

 

 

And life goes on....

 

Well  H has his new job.  He has landed on his feet, he’s a brilliant man and has always made good career choices.  Our lives roll on at a frenetic pace.   He’s been on the job for two weeks, and this is the second week he’s been away from home all week.  I’m no clairvoyant, but the writing on the wall is fairly clear even without my glasses on.

 

This all comes just as the kids activities are ramping up, the boards I sit on are all in full swing, ski season is around the corner, and work for me is busier than ever.  I love my job, but somehow the part time work has grown in scope and responsibilities into a full time endeavour.  No longer is it a couple of hours at my leisure, but rather it is a time consumptive monster.  I still love it, but have to question what has happened to my priorities.  The kids and the family have really taken a back seat to work, and I am not sure this is a good thing.  I think it’s time to sit down with ‘the gentlemen’ as I like to call them (Richard and Todd) and to see what can be worked out.

 

I love my family, love my work,  but where oh where does all the time go?  I often think that as women we carry the bear the burden of balancing family life with work far heavier than our male counterparts do.  I was reading today about 'Hurried Woman Syndrome'.  I am not sure that I buy into this syndrome, but I must admit that as a type ‘A’ perfectionist, I find myself with the candle burning at both ends and not much left wick left in the middle.

I am curious how other people handle these pressures in similar situations?   And then I wonder to what end do they accept the life they chose? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are back from celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving with my husband's family. It was a gorgeous long weekend, with the colors at their peak and temperatures into the 80's which is completely unheard of. The kids even went into the lake for a short swim.

Other years that we have gone up for this celebration have found us bundled in winter garb, with snow falling and the wood stove belching heat. This year was extremely unusual, and we didn't pack the right clothes...oh well.

The family all together is always lovely, and there is something really nice about having our Thanksgiving in the middle of the magnificent scenery ... the smell of turkey and pumpkin wafting from the oven, and the relaxed atmosphere where nothing needs doing.

What really surprised me was the number of mosquitoes and black flies. I don't recall ever seeing them so late in the season. Those little monsters are a pain even when they aren't biting.

We took some extra time off, because my H's company closed its doors on Monday night and went bankrupt. This was a shock to all, fortunately his branch of 'computer geekdom' is in high demand and he started a new job today. His company was owned by a couple of brothers that could no longer see eye to eye on the direction the firm should go. So after twenty years of steady growth and success, the company that employed almost 800 people closed. It is a real shame, because I know that many of those who were unemployed won't have the same success finding a new job that my H did.

So we are finding ourselves in the not so unusual position of making tough decisions. We, as well as the other workers weren't paid the money owed us, and I don't imagine we will be. The new job is farther from home, the commute that much longer. We are reticent to move and begin again in a new place. We'll have to cross those decision bridges in the next month or so. I suppose that life without crisis is boring....at least that's what I tell myself!

I hope you've had less drama in the last week then we've had. I'll read your stories next!

Favors are delicate things.  I've been hesitant in my life to ask for them.  I have often been asked for them though.

 

They are tricky things...when is a favor a favor, and when is it a burden upon someone else?  I never really know.  I do know that many a friendship has been soured by too many favours being asked for inappropriately, and then far too rarely returned.

 

A friend of mine drove a neighbor child to school and home every day for a year, as a favor.  One day at the end of the year, she had an appointment early in the day, and asked whether she could drop her child at this friend's house and then they could walk together.  The friend's mother said no.  She then went on to explain that she doesn't keep a clean house and therefore doesn't let anyone come over.  Ever.  But, would my friend be driving the following day?

 

When I heard this I stopped in my tracks.

 

Self awareness and thoughtfulness must be learned a s child I suppose.  The skill to ask for and give favors must also be learned.  I truly hope that I have never offended anyone by asking a favor.  If I have then I hope that they tell me.

 

On the weekend we were fortunate enough to be invited out to a friend's farm.   It's an outdoor lovers paradise.  There are barns, and animals, and woods and a swamp and a beautiful lake on the property.  The kids love it out there, running and exploring.

 

They found a mouse nest on the lawnmower engine.  Of course the momma ran away, and didn't come back.  By the next day the naked little creatures were cold, dehydrated and sufferring.

 

We are bombarded in the media with images of abuse.  People dying in wars, children being used as slaves, starvation where there should be plenty.  We have become immune to these images, and our society has removed real sufferring from most of our midst.  We don't see death and dying around us anymore.  People are taken to hospitals, most of us never go to farms. 

 

Abuse is sneaky.  It can be physical or verbal, it can be done in an active or passive way.  It can take the form of neglect or hyper vigilance.  It's all around us.  We simply don't often look for it, or see it.

 

So back to the farm.....I had to explain to the 6 kids that we cannot 'raise' baby mice.  They are too young to eat and drink, too naked to hold warmth.  We had to do something to ease their misery. 

 

I hope to raise my children to understand that standing by and watching others suffer abuse is not acceptable.  We must act when we see it.

 

Sadness, it's an interesting thing isn't it. I am often struck by the things that make me sad. Usually it is something that impacts me personally, seeing my children sad, seeing suffering. Sometimes sad just happens. I am not sure what precipitates it.
I've seen it in others too. It's as if some days we wake up, and our subconscious mind tells us that it is time to grieve things. Time for some perspective.

I woke up this way today. It likely didn't help that I was surfing the blogoshpere reading the blogs of those who have breast cancer. I kept thinking how lucky I am.

A chocolate bar later (I believe in self medication!) I feel less sad and more introspective. It's likely a good place to be in given that tonight is sign language class number two. Last week was really very funny. Picture a tiny room full of 50 adults, not allowed to speak, learning their alphabet, their sign names, and two other words - Choose, and Goodnight. I am looking forward to expanding my vocabulary because at this rate conversations will be very short.

I will also take some time to be mindful of the sadness I feel, if only so the happy to follow is that much better!

Today I want to talk about the Breast Cancer Groups and tributes that we are setting up to help heighten awareness of this awful disease.

 

You can find the tribute here.  We know that breast cancer has an impact on almost everyone in America.  Either someone in our family is battling the disease, someone we know has it, or we are contributing to help find a cure.

 

Invite your friends and families to come out and support the cause.  In the tribute you'll see how you can set up your own tribute in less than 5 minutes, and use the site as a platform for your own fundraising for the cure.

 

We at Respectance believe in giving back, we are doing our part to link to charities and to help you help others.  For the month of October, any donations made to breast cancer linking through the site go 100% to the charities you chose.  We will not take a service fee.  In case you aren't aware many 'umbrella' charities take 20% as administration fees, and telemarketers take up to 80% of your donations.  Please consider setting up a tribute, and invite your friends to come and donate.

 

See you all on the other side of the weekend!  Start making your invitation lists.

 

 

I've never been one to shy away from a challenge.  My life has involved acquiring new skills, and this job in particular has challenged me lately.  Learning the technology, learning about illness, sorrow, mourning, joy, death, life and dying has been particularly insightful.

 

 

Today I begin something new.  My friend Heather who is dying of ALS has now lost most of her ability to speak, so a friend that teaches sign language has offerred to set up classes, and Heather has invited me to come so that we can continue to talk.  I am really excited and honored by her request.  I am pleased to be able to help her with something that she asks for.  I can't wait until 7 tonight.

 

At Respectance too, we are trying to give back a little.  As you may know, October is breast cancer awareness month.  While some people disagree on a philosophical level about the current fashion of supporting various causes by buying a product, I don't think anyone can disagree with the value of the educational campaign.  Cancer touches so many lives.  240,000 women are diagnosed annually in the US alone with breast cancer.

 

We have started a breast cancer awareness group, and are encouraging anyone who would like to join into forum discussions to do so.  You can invite your friends, family, support groups, anyone really.  You can also join together to honor the ones you've lost by creating a tribute for them. 

 

We are also setting it up so that you can link to your preferred breast cancer organization, and make a donation.  We are not charging the charities that benefit from the service.   This donation service should be up and running by the end of September - I'll keep you all posted.

 

Please, join the group, share in the education and discussion of your experience.  Give back to the community by helping someone who needs it.  Give back to those you've lost by creating a tribute.  Join, and share your personal experiences by blogging with Respectance.

 

 

I often wonder if computers save any time at all.  I wonder it more often when something tragic happens to my computer.

 

Today, when I turned it on, it did a blue screen dance, spat some error messages and went black.  Now, some would say I am fortunate to be married to a HUGE computer geek.  I called him for advice.  He said "your computer is scupperred,  you need a new one."  Well darn.

 

Until this moment I prided myself in having an entirely paperless office.  It's all on the hard drive.  Of course that is a huge problem too.  I am longing for the days of the filing cabinet and notebooks.  You never lost EVERYTHING, only something.  Now, I sit helpless at the library, using their free computers, with little to do but write this blog until my H comes home.  He'll pick out the laptop (because really as long as it works I don't care what it is), and buy it tomorrow.  He assures me that my data is all in there, that we can perform some sort of CPR on the CPU and it will appear.  I hope he's right.

 

In the meantime, I suppose that I'll simply miss our office meeting (I phone in free using skype and we have giant conference calls) and catch up tomorrow or Wednesday.

 

I hope your day begins better than mine did!

 

 

Having raised two young kids I thought I had and idea of what being tired really is. Then I had whooping cough for 5 months and re-evaluated my previous ideas of what being tired is.

Tired and sick so bad that it's all you can do to get up and go to the bathroom. Tired and sick so bad that you set your alarm to wake up to get the kids to school, then set it again to wake up to get the kids off the bus. Tired so bad that for 7 days you don't even get out of bed.

Then I met Bill and RubyShooz. They are wonderful souls, both dying of ailments that will not be cured. Both are members who participate in this community, and who are active bloggers. Both share with sometimes naked honesty of what it is to be dying.

I see from their posts each day how tired they often are, and yet they make room in their days to share with their friends how they are, love, anger, grief, joy...it comes through their words, even when the words are no more than a shield against the world.

It underscores to me, how we never know how long we are going to be around. As the saying goes "life is a terminal condition". But, even when we are mindful of this, we often take our health for granted. I rarely think of how well I feel, but when I 'm unwell it's all I can think about.

I resolve that today I am going to take some time to think about how lucky I am, and to think about how I might help someone who needs it.

 

 

 

Not so long ago, 9-1-1 meant a call for help in North America. You could go to almost any phone, dial the three digits and be assured that police, fire or ambulance would come to your rescue. Now, SIX years later, 9-11 has taken on a dual meaning.  It’s easy to think of 9-11 as an event, and to forget about the broader tragedy of the almost 3000 individuals who lost their lives.

 

When the terrorists attacked the World Trade Centre in New York, innocent people did what they have been conditioned to do for decades. They called 9-1-1 for help. The dispatchers, also innocent people did the best they could to help those trapped in the burning buildings. Call after call came in, police, fire and ambulance were dispatched over and over again.

 

The operators must have sensed the urgency in the calls, the victims at some point realized the futility of their actions. Those who could escape, did often in harrowing conditions. Those that could not, made the choices they had to make. Some called their loved ones, some left messages on answering machines. At some awful point in time they began to break windows, and hang out to try and escape the horror of the heat, flames and smoke. I imagine that some chose to jump rather than stay, holding hands with friends, colleagues, perhaps even strangers to make their passage less lonely.

 

Let’s remember all the innocents who died singly and in groups, who at the end wanted to have someone with them. Let’s remember their families, who now have to find solace in the memories of their loved ones.   And let’s remember that lives lost on September 11, 2001 will forever be more important than any ’cause’ of the terrorists.

Did you know that you can upload photos, and then modify them?

 

Respectance allows you to rotate, crop, solarize, change to black and white, or give them 'oil painting' feel.

 

Sometimes it's nice to give your photos a special effect, or to crop them. 

 

1. Once you upload your photos, go to the tribute that you uploaded them to. 

2. Select the tab called <PHOTOS>

3. Select the photo you would like to modify.

4. The photo will appear with a series of options in the column adjacent to it.. 

5. Now you can choose <EDIT PHOTO>.

6. You will see the photo once again, with a series of options beside it, and a series of <EFFECTS> on the right side of the screen.

7. Make your choices, then select <SAVE> at the bottom right corner of the page.

8. You're done.

 

Try it out, and see.  It's very easy.

 

 

A good friend of mine lost his grandmother last night. 

 

I sent him my condolences, and a card, and flowers.  In the end though, I am struck by how inadequate anything we can say really is.  I think he and I will sit down over tea the next time I can see him, and we'll talk about his favorite memories.  In the end, it's all we have.

 

 

A blogging friend of mine posted something last week that caught me off guard. I didn’t know how to respond to her at the time. She is a very good writer, with incredibly wonderful insights on so many things. She is also in a lot of emotional and physical pain. Not to put too fine a point on it, but she is dying of cancer.

Her post came from a really dark place. It was about honesty, personal integrity and friendship. She questioned people’s motivations in the blogoshpere for writing and showing up. Are readers fair weather friends for reading and not commenting? Are bloggers ‘unfaithful’ to their friends for reading comments posted but not replying to them? Why are people writing?

They were fair questions to ask. So what happened that she made so many readers angry?

I suppose it’s really no different than the time I was in line at the grocery store with my 4 year old. We were behind an enormous woman. My 4 year old asked in her biggest voice “Mommy, why is that lady soooooo big?”. What to say “…well sweetheart, people come in all kinds of sizes and shapes….”. The whole time the woman was glaring at me. My child’s question was a valid one, it just got asked in a far too honest way, at the wrong time, or in the wrong place.

It’s always a good thing to question. It’s always a hard thing to do it right.

 

 

We don't celebrate success often enough.  It's really important in life to tell people when you are happy, and to take the time time celebrate your own success.

 

CHEERS to everyone!

 

The Team at Respectance has been working really hard, and our work is beginning to pay off.  Thank you members for your notes of encouragement, your compliments, and all of the feed back you've sent me.  I pass it all  on to the team, the good, the bad and the ugly (fortunately there hasn't been much of that!).

 

So once again thank you for all of your help, and support.  You make our community a great place to spend time.

 

 

Blogging

Have you thought about starting a blog?  It's a great way to share your thoughts, emotions and memories.  You can write about whatever you want - things you want to get off your chest, things that may be of importance to others, things that are important to you alone...there is an endless list of reasons. 

 

You can embed pictures and videos, share about a holiday, or party, or your life in general.

 

What ever the reason, once you start I am sure you'll get hooked.  It's very easy to do.

 

1. go to your profile

2. select the tab that says BLOG, and click on it.

3. you'll be prompted to "To create your first Blog post, click "Add Post""

4. on the right of the screen, you'll see a list of choices, select ADD POST.

5. start typing....

 

There you go.  Give it a try, let your friends know, or don't tell anyone!  As always, you are in control.

 

Good luck and happy writing!

 

 

Well I suppose this post had to follow on the heels of the last one!

I know we all have standards, and expectations for the way things 'should be'. Personally, I can't stand dirty dishes on the counter, well let's be honest, in the kitchen. Other people who are adults in my household don't seem to share my feelings on this. It's never really been a point of conflict for us though because I accept I am neurotic, and I just 'fix it'.

How many things are there in life that we argue about, or get angry over that we ourselves are to blame for? Does the laundry really need folding the minute it comes out of the drier or off the line? Do the clothes hangers really all need to go in one direction? Does laundry really need to go into the hamper? - okay I do know someone who nailed their spouse's underwear to the floor to make that point.

My point is that we really cannot impose our own performance standards on other people very successfully, or without conflict. We need to try and 'let go' or to 'do more' as the case may be. The effort must come from within though. And sometimes we just have to admit that we've become as crazy as our parents, and leave it at that.

I think we are conditioned to always keep going.  We should be 'doing' something, or 'thinking' about something all the time.  Sometimes it's important to just STOP.  It's okay to smell the flowers.  To look at their beauty.  To enjoy them for what they are.

 

 

 

Today I want to talk about community standards.  We like to think of Respectance as an online community, and all communities have standards.  These are set by the individuals in an implicit or explicit way.

 

This week we had a member flagrantly violate our standards.  I fear that many of you got soliciting/spam emails in your Respectance mailboxes from this individual.  I know from many of you that it was tremendously upsetting.  After reading the mail forwarded to me by many of you, I had to agree.

 

Spam is awful, particularly so in this forum.  Please accept my heartfelt apology for any pain or sadness that this event has caused you. 

 

As the Host, it becomes my responsibility to decide what we do about these things.  You input  - both notifying me of the occurrence and giving me your impressions, is crucial.  You told me that we can't have one person abusing other members, and I agree.  Within 12 hours of the first complaint being sent to me this individual and email address were banned from our community.

 

At Respectance, we are very concerned about all forms of spam.  We have implemented the most current filters available, and are upgrading continuously to try to keep pace with spammers.  In terms of the internal mail system, we DO NOT monitor your mail.  I rely on you to help enforce our standards. 

 

Please let me know immediately if you get suspicious or spam email.  This is a most serious offence that you have told me is unacceptable.  I will take action.

 

We have a wonderful community of members.  Thank you to all of you for your help, your membership, and your beautiful tributes.  I know that this is what you are here for.  Community.

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever had a day where you've felt completely and totally out of your depth?

 

I did today.  I don't think I should have gotten out of bed!  I felt that everything I touched ended badly, or that I just was not able to do it. 

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy. I am an upbeat woman, top of the world kind of chick.  I don't have days like this often, but when I do look out!  No lottery tickets today!

 

There's a great scene in my favorite movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, when the matriarch of the Greek family says to her husband "It's a good thing I have you to tie my shoes".  She says it tongue in cheek.  I needed that kind of help today!

 

Maybe I should cut my losses and head to bed for the night.  Tomorrow is a new day, Friday at that!

 

Cheers!

 

P.S.  My Big Fat Greek Wedding was in many ways the story of my childhood...except for the Greek part.  My husband got a new insight into my life after watching it.

 

 

Gurushabad wrote the other day about gift giving.  He proposed the following question -

 

One of the Surest Ways to Receive is to Give
 

He talked about the idea that when you give of your self, it will be returned ten fold.   I agree with the premise however I think that the 'giving' must be genuine (not convenient), it must be heartfelt (not given grudgingly), and it must always be done without any expectation of reward.

 

Could it be that when we give the gift of ourselves, of love and attention, of caring and empathy then we make ourselves more loveable, more approachable and more sympathetic?  Is that the cycle?  Are people then drawn to us?  I don't know.  I suppose I'll just think about it more.

 

 

I've been thinking a lot lately about truth.  I've decided that there is a lot to think about.

 

Truth can be something that is a fact.  There is very little subjective interpretation of these facts.  For example if you jump off the third floor of a building you will fall downward (gravity), it will hurt when you hit the ground (physics), you'll get locked up for a while in a hospital (mental issues).

 

Truth can also be something that we are certain we believe.  And here is where things get murky.  My truth may not be your truth.  For example I can look at a field and see it as a beautiful wild flower garden with butterflies and birds.  I may be convinced it is the most lovely vista that my eyes have ever seen.  You may look at the same field and see your farm field left fallow bacuase you didn't have money to seed it this year.  It will represent your frustration and sadness.  It will be ugly to you.  So, we both see the same thing, come from a different place and have completely opposing ideas that are both true.

 

Now, that's a really simplistic example.  The world is full of more complicated ones.  Wars around the world are happening now over truths.  Gods, property lines, borders, ethnicities.... it's a long list. 

 

So, how do we reconcile that we can both believe in 'the truth' what ever that is, and yet both have opposing views?  How do we reach a consensus that accomodates both of our perspectives and allows us to both be right, to leave the table with dignity?

 

I don't know.  More to think about.

 

 

I heard a wonderful story the other day.  I am going to leave it for you.

 

Jill was in her kitchen with her aunts, mother and grandmother getting the Easter Ham ready.  Her young daughter asked "Mommy, why do you always cut the ends of the ham off?".  Jill smiled and said, " Well honey, my mom and aunts always did, I guess I learned it from them."

 

The little girl wandered over to her Grandma and said, "Grandma, how come you always cut the ends of the ham off?".  Her Grandma said, "Well sweetheart, my mother always did.  I guess I learned it from her.".

 

The little girl went and climbed into her Great Gram's lap and said, "Great Gram, why did you always cut the ends off the ham?".  Great Gram had a bemused smile on her face and said, "Well darling, it was the only way to make the ham fit into my pan."

 

How many things do we do without knowing the real reason why? 

 

 

 

The party was fabulous.  It was an absolute success.  We had presold over 700 tickets, and at the gate we were taking in about 100 people an hour.  It didn't take long for the 275 parking spaces to fill and the over flow to end up on the shoulder of the road. 

 

The food was fabulous.  I can't remember the last time I had a pickle on a stick!  The music lovely.  The silent auction great.  The kids were enthralled by the entertainment on both stages.  One stage was in a stunning old barn.  An elderly gentleman was telling me that his wife's great great grandfather  helped build it in the 1800's, and that when he 'courted' her they spent many a barn dance in it.  He had a tear in his eye that she couldn't come with him.  She died two weeks ago. 

 

Heather was the show stopper though.  She was radiant.  I haven't ever seen her look so beautiful and so happy.  I think that every person whose life she has touched must have been there yesterday.  People were thrilled to come, supporting Heather and the ALS society.  The outpouring of emotions and love and money was second to none.

 

It was a bitter sweet experience for me.  ALS 'attacks' people in different ways.  With Heather it has begun at her speach center.  When I spoke with her yesterday I could hardly understand her, and that broke my heart.  It was obvious that she was thrilled and happy to see everyone there (she was worried people wouldn't come).  It really hit home once again though that our days on earth are numbered, and that we had better make the most of them.  I am proud to call her my friend, and proud of how bravely she, and her family are facing this disease head on. 

Thanks for being my inspiration Heather.

 

We are off to a country party this afternoon.  It's a community fund raiser for my friend Heather who has ALS.  In case you don't know ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis)  is a fatal disease.  The ALS Association defines it as:

 " ALS is often referred to as "Lou Gehrig's disease," is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually lead to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed."

 

I am looking forward to the party, there are 8 solid hours of music entertainment planned, corn roasts (mmmmm), beef on a bun, home made pies, silent auction, kid's entertainers.  You name it, it's on.  It is such a communtiy outpouring of support for Heather. I am so very proud of them.

 

My H and I are working the gate for a few hours, the kids will wander among friends and enjoy the party.  I know they both have put some of their allowance in their purses to support the cause.  I think we will have hundreds in attendance.  It is a testimony to what an integral part of the communtiy Heather is, and the generosity of the donors and volunteers is outstanding.

 

I hope that she and her family, as well as everyone else in attendance come away with wonderful memories.  Even the weather is in full support.  Sun and 90's for the afternoon. 

 

I'll post some photos, and hopefully I'll have a story or two for you. 

I remember a friend of mine telling me a long time ago that it's always best to talk about your mistakes/stories/skeletons before someone else does it for you.  I can still hear Mike's deep voice in my head...."Come clean about your stories Martha, then there's nothing for anyone else to talk about".  Gosh, I think this is some of the most useful advice I've ever had in my life.  I see the truth in it regularly.  I suppose that really it is the modern day art of 'spin doctor'. 

 

Trying to hide the truth, lie about what happened, or how it happened, being afraid to admit that you didn't know ... all recipes for disaster.   People are generally quick to judge others for the smallest transgressions (or the large ones).  They revel in being able to criticize, to put down, to belittle.  Nothing makes their tongues wag faster than gossip. 

 

We see this proven daily on a personal and corporate level on the internet.  Bloggers are merciless.  They take no prisoners.  Once upon a time, companies would try to deny any bad news.  Now they run to spill the beans themselves before anyone figures it out.

 

I've noticed though that people are more than happy to laugh with you (or cry with you) when you tell them the story yourself.  It's not easy to admit you screwed up.  In my vast experience of screwing up I've learned it's best to do this quickly, truthfully, and with a sense of humor.

 

I'm not going to share with you what brought this to the forefront of my mind today, except to say it's personal.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've noticed from some of your comments and going through the site that there seems to be some confusion about the distinction between member name and tribute name.  Succinctly put your name is the member name, and the tribute name is the tribute's name!

 

If you've inadvertently confused the two then here is how you can fix the problem.

 

1. Select your member home page.

2. Select the flower shaped pink .

3. Make your required changes under user name first and last.

 

Your done.  It's easy.

 

Have fun with it, poke around while you are there.

 

 

I've been away from my home office this week, working from the family cabin while the rest of the family holidays. We have dial up here, and as per my usual routine I get up before everyone else and work for a few hours in the quiet.  H and the kids have gotten used to not bothering me when I'm working.  Of course that's easy when they are down by the lake swimming and fishing and boating....

 

As I've said before, I am truly fortunate to have such a flexible and portable job.  Of course, the more we have, the more we need.  Dial up internet access just won't do anymore.  I need some access to hi-speed to do my Skype teleconferencing with the crew at the office, and to send much of my email. 

 

Fortunately the local library has wi-fi.  Of course local means a 25 minute drive each way, to a barely airconditioned wood building in the middle of a field.  It's the only public wi-fi action for miles and miles so it is always packed elbow to elbow and warm and stuffy and blah.  In fact I've taken to sitting out on the lawn under a tree.  It's much warmer, but the breeze is good and I don't feel like I am in a sardine can. 

 

Yesterday I was set up there, waiting for a call with Richard when an elderly couple came to the library.  They bickered the whole way up the stairs from the parking lot.  Moving slowly they had lots of time for it!  He was berating her because she wasn't using her cane, her giving him as good as she got.  It was good natured and brought a smile to my face.  They got to the top of the stairs, all of 10 feet from 'my' tree when they started asking each other what I was doing (this kind of worried me as they'd driven themselves) 

 

"Is she painting?" the lady asked

"No! she's reading a book" he said

"No she isn't, she's painting" the lady protested.

 

Well by now they were on top of me. The gentleman triumphantly looked at his wife and said "She's using the computer, I was right".  I had to stifle my laugh.  He wanted to know where I learned "to computer'.  He said that he'd bought a really big one last year, but couldn't figure it out.  He said at 86 maybe he was too old.  I smiled and told him you are never to old.  He persisted though.  Where had I learned 'to computer'.  Gosh, I didn't know what to say to that.  I grew up with it at school, it's been a tool all my life.  I'm no geek (as my co-workers would likely tell you I am rather tech-impaired) but it's like a car.  I don't need to understand how it works to use it, only to fix it.

 

I smiled at him, and said that I'd grown up with it, but if he wanted to join me on the lawn I would show him what I could.  He shook his head, and thanked me.  They bickered their way into the library back on the cane topic.  I hope that at 86 I have someone to bicker with!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once again, inspiration has come to me from Bill and RubyShooz.  Their blogs over the last few days have started me thinking.  Always dangerous.  Working from the cottage this week has given me some quality canoe time which is always thought stimulating too.

 

Some people like to assess life and people using the glass ½ full, ½ empty scenarios.  We can learn a lot about someone by knowing whether they see things in a positive or negative light.   I thought about it though and decided that maybe it doesn’t matter how full the glass is (now you know my approach), but rather what matters more is the contents of the glass.

 

I’ve written before how important our daily actions are in life. I think we all make a contribution every day, commensurate with our life experiences.  Some good.  Some bad.  Some big, some little.  Whether we like to think about it or not, everything we do and say leaves a mark.

 

I like to think of these contributions and contributors in terms of the grains of sand.  Thus, a glass may only have a few grains of sand in it – but what if they represent the person who thought of Heather’s Hootenanny?  Or the AIDS quilt?  Perhaps they didn’t implement the idea, but they had the brainchild.

 

What if it is the person who helped you pick up your groceries when your bag broke, or simply held the door for you, or picked up your garbage can off the street.  They all did something, unselfish, to help your life.

 

What if the glass is full of sand, and it represents the sum total of the volunteers that ran the local MS walk, or Library Book Drive?  Each person is a grain of sand.  Together they become a heavy mass of material, able to make a change, to shift as required to meet new needs.

 

The glass can also be full of sand  -  the people that watched the Walk, or the Book drive happen and walked away without doing anything.  They have admitted to themselves that their own actions don’t matter.  They don’t care.

 

We can't all be the big 'doers' and 'shakers'.  Life also needs the help of the little hands to get things done. 

 

Martha

Anyone who's become a member has likely gotten this note in their inbox. I am real, I am Martha and I am the host!

 

I give our site its human face. When you join I am your first friend. My role is to help you have the best user experience possible. I am here to help you with any troubles you are having, to get your feedback about the site, and to act as the interface between you and our technical team.

 

 

So, if you see my comments or memories on your tribute please know I am real and I am here to help you.

 

Martha Mihaly,
Respectance.com

 

Well, the 24th was a big day for us.  We had our North American launch.  No sooner had we sent out the press releases and we died.

I read a great book while I was away.  It's called The Brief History of the Dead by Kevin Brockmeier.  The premise of the book is what interested me more than actual storyline.

 

Brockmeier proposes that when we die, we don't go to either a heaven or a hell, but rather we linger in another place.  This other place is real, where people continue to live their day to day lives, forming new friends and relationships.  A person stays in this place as long as those who knew them in real life are alive and remembering them.  Once all of the living connections are dead then the person in the 'middle place' moves on.  But to where?  We don't know.

 

I thought it particularly relevant as I spent the weekend visiting with my extended family.  We spoke at length, remembering my young cousin who we lost tragically many years ago.  We re-lived some of our favorite family times and celebrated his memory.

 

It made me happy to think of him in some middle place, where he would grow into a man, and live a full life.  Somehow, this brings more comfort than simply believing he ceased to exist, or that he continues on unchanged from his boyhood in a heaven.

 

I suppose though, that whether we believe in after life or not, our dead family and friends do continue to live on with us, in our hearts and minds, until we too stop living. 

 

 

The traditions surrounding death, funerals and dying are as diverse as humanity itself.  Such a taboo surrounds the topic of death. 

 

It’s a tough subject.  You don’t really think of the ‘big’ questions surrounding death until you need the answers, and then it’s often hard to find the them.

 

Is there a right or wrong way to deal with the cascade of emotions?  With the grieving friends and family?  With yourself?

 

For those who are religious, their faith often prescribes the rituals of death, burial and mourning.  For those who aren’t though this time can be a mine field.  The information overload, the emotional strain, the blackness for everyone.  I think that for most people it is a dark time, a cold place to be.

 

I have been to funerals of friends, families and even to people that I don’t know.  It always surprises me how the 'public' grief is dealt with.  Some visitations are almost jovial, others are black holes.  Some innovative, others are step by step from a manual.

 

More often now, we see new traditions arising.  Many people who have some warning of their pending death are blogging about dying, planning their own funerals, and even creating tributes to themselves.  The funerals are as unique as the people.  Some with green caskets, some with cremations, some are planning full luncheons with music in memory of themselves.  I can’t help but believe that this must bring comfort to the family.

 

For those who die without making their wishes known, the role of planning falls to those who knew them best.  Here again, I’ve seen more and more changes in the burial and grieving.  We see the alternative funerals, and online tributes being created almost immediately either by the funeral homes or by the families.  In this ‘connected’ world where people have travelled far from home there is still an almost primal need to be heard in time of crisis.

 

I hope that we can help with these things.  I hope we can offer people a place to come and grieve, and think, and reflect and love.  I hope we can be part of a new tradition.

It's great!  I've met the people that I've been working with for months.  They've turned out to be as nice as I hoped.  Technology still isn't all that it is cracked up to be though.  Here we sit on floor of an internet cafe working because our internet at the office isn't.   We've left Todd to sort the technical problems back at the office.

 

We had a great dinner out last night.  One of those restaurants that harkens back to the 1930's with a big counter and stools, and a beautiful wooden and brass bar.  The rest of the place was filled with wooden chairs and tables.  You could feel the history of the place in its bones.  I t was full of families and friends laughing and enjoying a Sunday dinner.  I haven't been to a place like it in a long time.  It wasn't flooded with loud music or tv screens, people weren't speaking in hushed voices.  It was good food and good company. 

 

It was a good chance to meet the guys before we had to knuckle down to work today. 

 

It was another life memory for my daughter. too  I brought the eldest along, with the promise of three days of fun before the 'work time' and 4 days after BUT  she has to sit quietly for 3 days at the office.  I think she loved the tourism but the sitting for three days is going to be a challenge.  I told her life isn't always fun.  It's life.  I am eager to see what she leaves this experience with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well the excitement begins.  I leave tomorrow morning to go to another one of our offices, to meet a bunch of collegues with whom I've been working for months now, that I've never met.

 

 

I am bundling it into a holiday which is really quite nice.  I am taking my eldest who has been sworn to behave well on threat of grounding from electronics for life (harsh aren't I?).  She'll be on coffee patrol, phone patrol and generally ordered to keep quiet for a few days.

 

 

In all seriousness though,  it is quite exciting.  I have an idea of what these people are like, I've spoken with them, I've seen them on web cam but still there is a level of detachment.  An unknown.  A caution.  Now we'll have some social time together and let our hair down (of couse they don't seem to have much!). 

 

 

Work experiences have certainly changed a lot.  People come and go without being met.  Students learn and leave (right David?).  When I started working, not so long ago, you got to know people professionally and socially through lunches, and parties and picnics.  Now we seem more 'connected' than ever, always on line.  But also less connected than ever, rarely meeting face to face, and even less frequently socializing and getting to know one another's families.

 

 

It's hard I think.  I comparmentalize my life and work.  Maybe this is good.  Maybe it's bad.  I don't know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've been tagged by blogging buddies to give eight unusual facts about myself.  Here it goes!

1.   I am an avid gardener.

 

2.  I've hiked throughout the world, including the Canadian Rockies and Queen Charlotte Islands in Canada, the Desolation Trail on the Big Island of Hawaii, to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, portions of the Appalachian Trail and in the Italian and Swiss Alps.

 

3.  I've quit two jobs on the spot.  Once for not being paid the wage I earned, and once because I hated the job so very much.  The second time I was working for the federal government.  Good benefits, horrible work environment.  I resolved to never have a job I hated (unless of course it meant paying the mortgage and food!). 

 

4.  I am not good at being trapped indoors...interesting considering what I am doing at this very moment.

 

5. I volunteer in my community extensively.

 

6.  I attended 7 schools before university, and have lived in 12 houses/apartments.  I've lived in Hawaii, Canada, and France.

 

7.  I've been a member of 2 labour unions and learned to hate them.  They handsomely overpay (I liked that).  They reward longevity, and discourage efficiency and good work.

 

8.  I hate to fly, not that flying scares me.  It's the crashing part that does.

Usually when I have technical problems I know it's really me, not the software causing the trouble. 

In this case it isn't.  It would appear the gremlins are eating text in my blog.  We (okay the technical crew) are working on the problem and hope to have it resolved very soon.

 

Until then I'll have shorter posts with fewer links and photos. 

 

I hope you aren't having too many problems with you blogs!

 

 

Bill at Dying Man's Daily Journal asked an interesting question today.  It's been rolling around in my head, so I think I'll run it past you.

 

Can we change who we are?  What I mean is can we change our inner nature or is it predestined by environment, a higher being, nurture. 

If we accept that the path of our lives and the nature of our being is predetermined then we can't change who we are. We accept the futility of life. 

If we believe that we determine our own path, our own choices then we accept the invalidity of religion.

It is a difficult question, as many a good person has raised a 'bad' child (pick any phycopathic serial murderer) and there are bad people who have good children.  There are people living a moral and virtuous in life who can't catch a good break, and people who work every angle and scam that seem to have a horseshoe in their pockets.

I think that Sister Julie would have some interesting insight to this question. 

So would RubyShooz.

For me, I think we are born with some traits, and learn others.  It is often the 'easy path' that leads to self destruction, and the hard road that leads to some longer term happiness and satisfaction.  But as I've said before I think it is the small decision that we make every day which make us who we are.  We make these decisions, we take the actions.  We need to be mindful of them.

 

 

 

We had a wonderful holiday in the Berkshires.  I like the way that sounds..... it conjures up luxury of old, grand New England Lodges, servants, cooks, nannies, croquet, and ladies of leisure.  Rockefeller, Gates, Bono.

 

That so wasn't our holiday!  It was even better. 

 

We stayed at a State Park and camped 5 days.  The sun shone, the temperatures were good and the bugs were okay.  Our site was directly adjacent to the lake atop the mountain.  It has a fabulous view and the kids were wet from minute one.  We didn't see any bears this year (yipee!)

We ate, laughed, fished, hiked, read, visited museums, and caught the opening concert of Garrison Keillor at A Prairie Home Companion.   He is a wonderful story teller.  Live radio is a thrill to watch.  The timing and execution of the actors is second to none.

The two hour live broadcast was incredible.  His guest star was James Taylor, my H was thrilled.  Very civilized, we brought our picnic, and wine, and sat on the lawn and listened and watched.  Live radio is beautiful to watch.  The timing and talent of the actors is second to none.

Our 3 hour hike took us to the top of a mountain that had a spectacular view.  Unfortunately, it was also shoulder high in ripening raspberries.  Anyone, with any 'bear country' experiences will understand how uncomfortable H and I were up there with the kids.  Needless to say we snacked elsewhere.

My youngest daughter busied herself fishing for trout and sunfish, the eldest (a teenager) tried to resist because she is getting 'too old' for that kind of fun.  It didn't work.  She was catching bullfrog pollywogs by the dozen.  For those of you who've never seen one they are fantastic.  They are in that life stage for two full years.

All in all, another wonderful memory for the kids and us.  I hope that when they grow up they will share my love of the outdoors. 

 

In fact, I was totally relaxed until we were on the interstate coming home in broad daylight mid day.  H was driving, I was just sitting and watching out the side window.  A deer bounded onto the highway.  The van on the inside lane 100 years ahead of us hit it.  The van just stopped in the middle of the raod.  We pulled over quick and I jumped out to see if the driver needed help.  He hadn't gotten out yet.  The windshield of the van was gone and blood was everywhere.  I feared the worst and braced myself.  Other cars were pulling over, drivers calling for help, some joining me running over.  Just then the driver emerged.  He was truly a grotesque figure.  His face and eyes embedded with glass, blood and brains and fur al over his body.  I tried to have him sit down and covered his shoulders with a blanket I grabbed.  H was diverting traffic.  Someone else brought  water for the guy to try to flush his eyes.

 

I asked if anyone else was in the car.  He looked up deadpan and said, just the deer in the back seat.

 

My gosh, such carnage.  The deer was in pieces all over the van.

 

The man was truly blessed to be alive.  I think that if the deer had hit him directly through the window he whould most certainly have had a different outcome.  I shudder to think of what would have happenned in our car if we had hit the deer.

 

We're off on our regular start of the summer camping trip.    It is a real tradition for us.  I am an old hiker/backcountry camper whose knees now prefer car camping with day hikes.  Oh how far we come in life.

 

This is the quasi cultural camping trip we make every year.  We head off to the Berkshires in Massachusetts, hike on the Appalachian Trail for a day,

take in Tanglewood, head to some other artsy stuff, and otherwise have a wonderful week of reading, fishing

 

We like to add some 'highlites' to our camping trips though...last year we took in a hurricane with all time record rainfalls as a bonus.  The year before we opted for the record setting wind storm featuring the 70 MPH winds.  Thank goodness for my Halo 6 tent.  This year the kids requested no 'extras'.   So we are hoping to try sunny and warm and dry.  I'll let you know how that works out.  Actually, the going joke (except that it's a fact) is that if I go camping then the weather will be awful, but in record setting scales of awful.  Don't worry Bill, I won't set up around your house!

 

We have so many great family memories from these trips.  I think the lack of tv and other distractions is what makes it great.  We really focus on one another, and I love it.

 

I am ready for the break.  So are H and the kids.  I'll catch up with everyone later next week.

 

 

The visitation was today.  I am not sure that I have ever seen anyone as deeply wounded as Esther's husband.  The pain he was in is palpable to me still, hours after I saw him.

 

His children were there.  When I looked upon them I could see my own.  I can't imagine how they will cope.  I know they will though.

 

Hundreds came.  There were people wound through the home, every room, every hall.  Another visitation tonight.  I wish peace and strength for Esther's family.

 

 

I had some awful news this afternoon. 

 

My friend Esther was out riding her motorcycle with her husband.  They were on a rural road.  She crossed the center line and hit a dump truck head on.  She died on the spot.  I saw her a couple of weeks ago.  Full of life and smiles.  Kindness and love.  Always generous in spirit.

 

Her husband was with her.  He is devastated. 

 

To Esther, Mother, wife and friend.  We will all miss you. 

 

41 years old.

 

 

I think we all remember summer as a child.  It seemed to stretch endlessly into the horizon, like Interstate 70 through Kansas.  Day after day of hanging out, far from our parent's eyes. 

 

I for one, am certain that by the time I was nine, I would disappear from the yard only to surface at meal times.  We'd all go to the ravine where we would play in the creek, catch creepy crawly things, play hide and seek, and otherwise do stuff that our children for the most part will never be allowed to do.  We weren't allowed to cross the highway, so we improvised.  We crawled through the culvert to the other side.  Hundreds more acres to explore. 

 

My children are allowed about town, together, or with other kids as long as I have a general idea of where they are going.  Would I let them go down by the river?  Not on your life.

 

I heard an interesting study that had been done about how as a society we have become more restrictive generationally speaking, of our children.  It found that in our grandparent's time kids were allowed more or less free roam, our parents were allowed to wander several miles as that was a common distance to have to walk to school or anywhere else for that matter.  By the time we were kids the radius had reduced to a mile or two, and today's children are often not permitted farther than the property without 'parental supervision'.  The author of the study then analyzed what had changed in our world to cause this.

 

It wasn't violence, for there was at least as much violent crime and crime against children generations ago as now.  He came to the conclusion that the 'driving force' was cars.  Cars presented the real first danger to road crossing.  Cars also allowed us as a society to move away from walking, to driving  AND to ferrying our children wherever they want to go.

 

I thought his conclusions were really interesting.

 

 

 

 

I suppose as we grow older we make peace with ourselves about 'belonging'.  It seems to me that when I was young it was really important to feel like we were part of a group, to feel the same as the others.

 

I read an interesting post today by my friend Bill at Dying Man's Daily Journal about how he had deleted a couple of messages from his blog that were spam.  In retrospect though, he realized that one was probably not spam.  It was likely just a mean person's comment that was meant to be hurtful.  It was something to the effect of your blog stinks, why don't you just.....

 

Instead of being angry, Bill pointed out something very astute.  He wasn't hurt by this comment because he had learned long ago that you can't make everyone happy.

 

I think he is very right.  As we get older we are less likely to conform to other people's expectations of who/what we should be.  I think at some point most of us just get comfortable in our own skin.  Now that shouldn't give us license to be unpleasant people, or rude or thoughtless just because "that is the way we are".  On the other hand, we shouldn't change what we do and how we live our lives just for the sake of making more/new 'friends'.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience Bill. 

 

 

Another pothole has been filled on the bumpy road of Beta-hood!

 

Comments can now be posted and read on blogs.  I can't wait to read what you have to say!  Many Thanks to Marcin and the Tech team.

 

 

 

It's always a tough call with SERIOUS consequences...should I have thirds or Yorkshire pudding with roast beef?  How about seconds of apple pie (home made with a flaky lard crust by my husband - absolute heaven on a plate).  Man, those are easy decisions because the 'repercussions' of overeating are fast, and not entirely pleasant. 

 

Some limits, like speeding for example, are hard to keep.  Probably because they serve as a means to an end, and the liklihood of getting caught and punished are slim.

 

Other limits, like the limits of good taste, or acceptable behavior are harder to establish.  I suppose they are also culturally defined to a great extent.  Exceeding these limits can be painful physically or emotionally.  I made the mistake the other day of exceding a limit, of causing hurt and offence where none was meant.  In fact, it wasn't until the next day when I was told by the person I had wounded, that I realized what I had done.   I apologized of course, and like a good friend they accepted the apology.

 

It got me thinking though.  How do things get to the point where such offence is given and taken?  I think that sometimes we speak in haste, without carefully considering our words.  Sometimes, we let things get out of hand because we don't want to hurt feelings.  We don't stop a conversation in time, we don't act in time to save grace. 

 

Sometimes, of course, we are simply ignorant of cultural realities and inadvertantly cause offence to be taken.  I think that category belongs in the 'school of hard knocks' though.   If you are operating with the wrong cultural frame of reference you can get yourself into a lot of trouble. 

 

Limits.  I think I need to work on them some more.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I have discovered that what I knew about the whole website thing is even less than I thought.  Don't get me wrong.  I use the internet everyday, like my car.  That sure doesn't mean that I have any idea what's under the hood, nor have I got a clue how to fix either one!

 

What I am getting at here, is that we (and I use that term VERY loosely) are still working on the bugs in Respectance, including commenting on the blogs.  I've decided that it is all like a house of cards.  When you start fussing with one card, the rest are apt to tumble. 

 

Thanks for your patience.  You can always post comments at blog.respectance.com for the more news oriented posts, or you can send me mail via the Respectance mail servie and I'll post your comments.  And please please please keep sending us your observations, comments and thoughts.... 

 

Martha

I've often wondered what it is that makes us who we are.  There are the obvious things, our religion, our nationality, our socio economic position and our physical appearance.  But these are contributing factors, not defining ones.

 

How is it that some people born into abject poverty, rise above it and become wealthy and successful - Oprah for example?  How is it that some born into the lap of luxury live horrid, twisted addicted existances and squander everthing they have been given (just read any tabloid for examples)?  Why are we who we are?

 

I've often said that people make decisions about there lives every day without realizing it.  Choosing to volunteer with a literacy program is a choice, walking to buy milk at the corner store is a choice, taking a cab home when you've been drinking is a choice. Not making a choice is a choice.

 

It wasn't until I read Grieving with Guinever's post today that I realized  it's the choices we make everyday that shape exactly who we are and who we are perceived to be.  When we meet someone for the first time we assess their appearnace.  After we know them for any period of time our assessment of them changes from the perceived attactiveness of the person to how we feel about them.  It is the decisions they make every single time we see them that allows us to decide if they are honest or dishonest, trustworthy or not, good or bad.  If they make consistently poor choices then what can we expect of them in the future.

 

It's something to think about.  People can profess to be religious and attend  their house of worship regularly, but if they cheat on their income tax and lie to their friends then we know what has made them who they are.  Not their religion (none of which I can think of condone bad behavior) but rather the choices they've made in their daily lives.  To be strong as individuals we have to consider the overall impact of the incremental decisions we make in our lives.

 

 

A group of seniors living life to it's fullest.  If this doesn't make you smile then I fear nothing will! The Zimmers.

Hi everyone,

We seem to be having some technical difficulties with the blogging module, in particular the comment feature.  We hope to have this fixed in the next few days.

Thanks for your understanding as we move through this Beta period.

 

 

Well, some lessons are really only learned the hard way aren't they?  As adults we can give out useful advice until we are blue in the face.  Some accidents are preventable, some aren't.  Let's face it thought, the only way most people learn not to rouch the hot cookie sheet is by getting burned.

 

So, when the gerbils and bird joined our family zoo, along side the existing pets including a cat, was it any surprise that I had a felling of doom pending?  Imagine the number of times I said, "Make sure you close the cage after you have _____ out", and "Make sure you know where the cat is when you are playing with the ____".

 

Last Wednesday was a bad day here.  It was a pressure cooker of a day, the construction dust so thick you couldn't see 1/2 a block, temperatures into the high 90's and humidity near 100%.  I had to drive downtown an get some supplies from the hardware store, and the grogery store.  Normally I would walk, but it was so very hot I was afraid the milk would sour on the way home.

 

As I got downtown and looked to park, I noticed an elderly gentleman coming out of a store, more or less in front of me.  I didn't think twice, pulled into my parking spot and took perhaps 30 seconds or so to get my purse and re-useable bags together.  When I got out of the car I realized that the gentleman had in fact fallen, and was bleeding from his head and arm.  The clerk from the store was already calling for an ambulance, and the nurse from the local health center just happened to be walking by.  I grabbed a couple of blankets from my car and handed them over to prop up his head and to use for shade.  By now there were 5 or 6 people standing around him helping.  I left because I didn't know him personally, and had done all I could.  I found out later when the family returned my laundered blankets, that the man had suffered a heart attack, fell and broke his hip.  At 86 this is bad.  His life went from living alone, vibrant and alert, to being seriously ill, mentally confused and living in a long term care facility.  All in the blink of an eye.

 

I went about my business, got home and looked down at the rug with disdain.  The kids (I thought) had left a bunch of shavings form the animal cage all through the front hall.  Arghh!  I got the milk put away, and grabbed the vacuum (yes I am A-type).  As I was vacuuming I realized there was something in the corner.  I thought it was a cat hairball.  Gosh no.  When I leaned closer I realized it was Fondue the gerbil.  Well moistened and worked over but still alive.  My eyes focused on the gerbil cage, and sure enought the lid was open and the cat was 'fishing' for gerbil 2.

 

I picked up the poor half dead gerbil, admonished the cat for being...we.. a cat, and hoped beyond hope the gerbil would recover before the kids got home.  Okay, at least dry out and start mving.  Thank goodness after 6 hours the gerbil had dried and begun moving.  She sufferred a broken leg (we think) but seems to hobble about her cage.  Daughter 2 who left the cage open has learned her lesson on this one.  She's the one who broke her arm running down the stairs, burned her hand on the cookie sheet, and broke her leg jumping off the swings (do you see the pattern here?).

 

Some of us seem hardwired to be cautious and learn well from others.  Some of us only seem to learn from our own mistakes.  It all can change in a blink of an eye.

 

 

 

 

 

Hello Everyone,

 

Welcome to my new blog page.  For those of you who are new, you can find my old posts at the Respectance Blog which will now be devoted to more news and technical events.  My stories and I will be here.

 

I am really excited about  this move for a few reasons.  Firstly, we implemented this feature after we heard over and over again from our beta test group that you really wanted somewhere to tell your stories, about your life and your friend's and loved one's lives.  Thanks to each and everyone of you for your input.  You spoke, we heard, and here it is. 

 

Secondly, we have our big launch tomorrow at The Next Web Conference in Amsterdam.  Hopefully, my blog will help to highlight all the things you can do when you join Respectance. 

 

Thirdly, it helps you to get to know me better, and hopefully for you to get to know one another better.  I know many of our users from their blogs.  You will be absolutely astounded by the kindness of our members, and by their beautiful and provocative stories.

 

MOST IMPORTANTLY I don't have to use the other blog editor!!!  I think our technical guys Marcin and Todd were sick to death of my moaning about all the trouble I was having with the links and trying to get the pictures to appear...anywhere....Bill, I think you know what I mean here!  Thanks to all of you.

 

Yippee!

(The New York Times) Something that would have been thought surreal not too long ago is happening. With the popularity of creamation on the rise, cash strapped cemeteries are seeking alternative revenue streams. Many have begun ‘events’ like this one in Troy, New York, where dinner is served to weekend tourists. Others have begun bird watching lectures, cconcerts and of course, Hallowe’en Parties.More...

In our village there are a few book clubs. I like to think of them as a continuum of clubs. Some tending to the cerebral - meeting at the library mid week for two hours with scripted questions, others to the not so cerebral. I belong to the latter kind.

It’s social really, almost like an excuse to eat and drink on a Friday night once a month. For ladies only, of course. We have a core group of 6 or so, others come and go. Actually, reading the books is the excuse to get together, not a pre-requisite. We pick good novels, the book sets the theme for food and drink (To Kill a Mockingbird was a brutal night – who knew you could do so many things with Southern Comfort), and we all show up at 8pm book in hand ready to talk. We have one rule. We must speak the book’s name, and the author’s name. I assume you get the idea of the literary intentions of the club.

Anyhow, we have read incredible books through the years. We’ve also shared one another’s lives. The connection hadn’t occurred to me until last week when I was at the pharmacy talking to a Member and we were trying to pinpoint when another Member’s divorce happened. She said ‘X told us about it at the Kite Runner book club meeting’. Well, that nailed it. We knew it was almost three years ago, between Honeymoon in Purdah and Ladies Number One Detective Agency. Memory by association. Therapy by association.

I began to think of just how many things we have shared as a book club support group over the last 7 years. Births, deaths, divorces, scandals, diapers, breast feeding tips, and of course books. They are a fun group. I suppose in a small town we are all therapists for one another.

Despite my better judgement it would appear our family has grown again. I have resisted growth for a while. New family members always mean more work (on my part), more expense, and more hassle when travelling.

Let’s start with why more animals? Daughter A is rodent crazy, and always has been. Her latest hamster died over the winter along with her guinea pig. We finally took them out of the freezer and had the funerals on the weekend. We had promised her that ‘when the time was right’ we’d get more. Daughter B has always wanted a bird. Apparently the time was ‘right’ this weekend. So when we were at the store it seemed only natural to go the extra mile and get the bird too.

Then there is the question of my whole resistance to the ‘additions’. Frankly it isn’t the extra cost (considerable once all of the accessories are accounted for), nor is it the extra work which I know will fall to me when the kids are away, sick etc. It isn’t even the hassle of the vacations when we need to find someone willing to come twice a day for a cat, bird, guinea pig, and gerbils (that’s a long list isn’t it?). The real problem is that as hard as I try not to I always fall in love.

Now we know that falling in love is good, it’s losing a love that isn’t. Sooner (in the case of rodents) or later (bird and cat) they will die leaving behind them heartbreak in my kids, and loss for me. Is the mourning we experience at the death of a pet any less valid than that of a human? Anyone who would argue the validity of pet mourning hasn’t watched a 7 year old looking into the cage of their dearly departed inconsolable with sadness.

I guess we’ll just keep muddling along at our house, hoping that everyone lives a long and happy life filled with dried fruit, kibble, seeds and tuna.

Funerals are such a time of emotion and stress. Often we go and don’t really know what to say. We’re nervous, we stutter, we feel pain…we are there but don’t know how to provide the support needed.

Guinever has some good advice on her blog of what not to say, and on how to be supportive. I can understand from the perspective of the grieving family that the ‘wrong’ commnets are immensely painful. To be fair though, those who have come to the funeral to show their support are not likely intending any offence when they speak. Things such as religious orientation, cultural background, and education all color the way in which we express ourselves. Is it wrong for someone of devout faith to express their heartfelt belief that the deceased is now in ‘a better place with God/Allah/Jehovah/Yaweh’? Perhaps it is if the mourners themselves aren’t religious. No hurt was meant, but it was none-the-less given.

Anyhow, I read her words and learned to be more compassionate.

Grieving with Guinever

I had a great Mother’s Day. I had some time to reflect on the last year and decided that I like my life a lot. There has been one major change in my situation this year, and that is going back to work. Since I’ve started working again, I’ve been struggling with balance. The balance of home and kids, volunteer work and paid work, my life (needs) and other’s needs.

I suppose the argument can be made that for the last 12 years I haven’t had much balance either…having been focussed almost entirely on my home and kids. However, this has been the comfortable reality for me, and any major shift in life is always challenging at first.

When I agreed to help out my friends with Respectance I made it very clear that I would come on board as long as my family could continue to be my first priority. Thankfully, my dear friends completely agreed and things have worked out well on that end. It is still proving a challenge though. Folks (including my family) think I am crazy for getting up at 5 A.M. and working a few hours, then working some more in the afternoon. I think I’ve found a balance, but we’ll see in the long haul how it all works out. I am quite sure that if I went back to a ‘traditional’ job, one where I wasn’t working from my dining room in my pjs with my coffee, that I would have quit by now.

I have to thank Todd and Richard for this opportunity, and I hope that you can all find a job like this. One where you are learning everyday, where you are self directed, respected and above all balanced.

I thought about going to the funeral for a few days. I had to work out why I would go? Did the memory of the friendship lost, mean so much that I wanted to re-kindle it? Did I want to go to be supportive? Did I want to go just to see how X’s life has turned out? Or did the death remind me of my own mortality, and that of my parents. Was I going to see what it ‘feels like’ to lose a parent?

Several friends of mine have lost parents, but due to geography or timing (we were out of the country), I wasn’t able to attend most of the funerals. This bothered me a great deal at the time. I wanted to be supportive of my friends, to show them I cared, to help them with whatever they needed. I wanted to be a loving face in the crowd at the service, someone with no other agenda than to be a friend. That’s when I realized I shouldn’t attend the funeral on Saturday. I knew that if I had to think about why I was going, then I wasn’t going for any of the ‘right’ reasons.

I had my own funeral this weekend. A remembrance service for the friendship lost.

What possess people to do good things for others? Whether it is an act of utmost bravery, the likes of which was exhibited by Liviu Librescu (saving a classroom of his students at Virginia Tech before losing his own life) or something as simple as giving directions to someone who is lost. Why do we do it?

Certainly most of us don’t do it with the expectation of getting anything in return. We don’t help someone in order to make them indebted to us. I suppose what we do hope is that if we are good to someone, someone else might be good to us later. I saw a great example of this the other day.

I was in a coffee shop when a fellow came in lost. He asked for instructions from the ‘barista’. The instructions weren’t the best, so a woman left the line and gave the fellow very good instructions. Bang on in fact. She got back into line, and waited again for her turn. She ordered her drink, and the fellow behind the counter said to her to pick it up at the end of the counter. She tried to pay him. He wouldn’t accept the money, and simply said “It’s on the house. Thank you for helping that man”. It was a nice thing to see. That someone would be willing to take time to help a stranger, and that the kindness would be repayed by someone else entirely.

Funerals can be strange events. They are meant to celebrate a life lived, but they often prove to be occasions to mend relationships long dead. It happens all the time. You meet up with people that you haven’t seen in a long time and reconnect.

I got an interesting email yesterday from a good friend. It was a link to the obituary of the father of a mutual friend of ours. We all met in high school, over 2 decades ago now. Wow, just saying that hurts. I knew him. He seemed a good man.

We were friends for a long time, then we fell out. I don’t even remember what the argument was about. I must have caused offence, otherwise I suppose I’d remember feeling slighted. Anyhow, having said all that this friend’s father is dead. The funeral is Saturday, a half hour drive from my house. Do I go, and show my support, and try reconnect? Or do I let things stay the way they are? What are the motivations to go? Why am I even asking these questions?

There is an online condolence book. Maybe that will allow me the distance to leave a comment, without risking anything else? Well, I’ll chew on this one for a while and see what happens. Thank goodness for the internet!

It struck me at the gym today how complicated social relationships are becoming. For the most part you can tell immediately after meeting someone whether there is hope for a ‘friendship’. It’s a gut instinct. When I think of friends, I imagine a series of concentric circles. Most people have a few very close friends. They are the ones you turn to in crisis or celebration. They are gems at the centre of the circle.

Then there are the friends from work, or the community. You know their names, a bit about them and their families. You know enough about them that you willingly choose to associate with them. Then there is the next circle. I think of them as the ‘Gym’ circle. I may or may not know their names even though I’ve seen them regularly for a long time. I know a lot about their lives from casual conversation. They are a social group.

What I am not sure of is the new social network. The one on the internet. Where do my ‘blog friends’ fit? Their stories and lives are compelling. We share details of our lives that we wouldn’t share with a stranger on the bus.

The veil of anonymity afforded by the internet allows the exchange of personal details and information to become casual. The problem is that I don’t have my gut instinct to rely on. How can I tell if someone is genuine or not? I am not naive enough to believe that just because I am honest and forthcoming that everyone else is too. In this age of Web 2.0, given the ease of global communication with people we have never met, we may need to redefine what friendships mean.

One of the schools in our town celebrated Earth Day this year in a BIG way. Over the last 13 months the families of the school, and the community raised well over $100,000.00 in cash and in kind donations. This money was used to refurbish the school site which is well over 100 years old.

An extremely large percentage of cash raised came from a single source. It came from a charitable foundation in the area, established by a gentleman before his death. I don’t know much about this man except that he was an entrepreneur, that he valued community, and that he had foresite. As part of the project, children, teachers, parents and friends planted several hundred trees and bushes, dug gardens, painted, scraped, poured concrete, and created memories that will last a lifetime. They created a play ground that will be remembered long after these children leave the school.

At the grand opening ceremony, the ribbon cutter noted how wonderful it was to be planting trees here. She had attended the school some 50 years earlier, and had helped to plant trees on arbour day so long ago. They are beautiful mature trees still standing in one corner of the field.

The gift our community received from this man is invaluable. We were given the means to celebrate a life lived, and to create memories for lives just beginning.

I can’t believe how quickly the last four months have flown by. I remember when Todd told me about Respectance, and then invited me ‘on board’ in January. It seemed a long way to launch day. Now it’s just around the corner.

We go live in a few days, and I have to say that I’m a feeling a lot of different emotions. I am hopeful that we can provide people with a venue for expressing their emotions surrounding the loss of a loved one. I also hope that we can allow you, our ‘members’, to build relationships amongst yourselves and to find support when you need it. I am also nervous. My writing will be exposed to many more eyes. What if someone discovers that I am ‘flying by the seat of my pants’!

All in all though, I am excited. This project has been like a baby. Todd and Richard have been incubating it for 9 months, and it’s finally time for life. I can’t wait to see Respectance grow from infancy, through toddlerhood and into a child. We will need to nurture it, and help it grow into the best it can be. Check in with us a few days from now and see what’s happened.

That makes sense in a car of course, but what about in a social sense?

Annalee Newitz proposes in The trouble with Twitter that as urban centres grow, and the acceptance of technologies grow, so do our expectations of immediacy of information delivery.

Once upon a time, long, long ago (10 years ago), we were content to get our news and information from newspapers (which were one day behind of course) or news broadcasts (more current but not immediate). If we couldn’t catch the call, we used our answering machines to check what our friends wanted to tell us. This has all shifted dramatically. Many people are literally glued to their mobile devices and cell phones, texting constantly with friends around the corner, or around the world. We are developing thumb injusries from the strain of it all.

Packages like Twitter allow several people to carry on threads of discussion. We expect to know right now what and when our friends are doing things, the stock market prices, the news from Afghanistan.

Dr. Luis Bettencourt in an article published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences asserts that the “pace of life in urban areas speeds up exponentially relative to population size. What that means is if your population grows at rate n, your pace of life grows at the rate of n-squared.” As Annalee puts it “In other words, really freakin’ fast”.

These same researchers are concerned that as a race, humans will not be able to sustain the ever increasing pace of our lives, the ‘multi-tasking’ phenomenon by which we do more and more, but do each additional task less well. Our brains simply aren’t wired to do so much so fast. So by speeding up our pace of life are we moving faster towards the goal, or towards self-destruction?

I have been thinking all week about what happened at Virginia Tech. It is a tragic story, and my anger over what happened clouded my perspective on what to write. Then I watched a program on PBS last night called Crossroads. Two entirely unrelated news items and yet it became clear to me what needed to be considered.

In this program, the host asserts that “learning to live with offence is a price of democracy”. We must be very clear in our understanding of the distinction between oppression and offence, and between discrimination and oppression. I think that in a diverse society we must expect offence and recognize it for what it is. Offence in and of itself is not grounds for violent reaction, but for guarded discussion and education.

We need to examine the root cause of problems within our societies, and whether these problems are a result of people’s attitudes and actions, or whether there exists and ‘insitutional’ cause for the problems. What I’m trying to say is that if I am late for work every single day, is it because the bus service is unreliable, or is it because I can’t show up for the bus on time?

So then back to Virginia Tech…we need to remember the 32 lives that were extinguished that day. To celebrate their lives, and their potential. The injustice done to those injured, and murdered needs to be considered. They were harmless students and teachers, unarmed. They didn’t fire back, they believed in life. They looked forward to the future. We need to take this opportunity to celebrate them, remember them, and give them our attention. We also owe it to them to determine why this happenned. Is our ’system’ broken, or are the people broken? Once we figure this out we can try and reconcile what happenned to the vicitims.

The Victims:

Ross Abdallah Alameddine, Christopher James Bishop, Brian Roy Bluhm, Ryan Christopher Clark, Austin Michelle Cloyd, Jocelyne Couture-Nowak, Daniel Alejandro Perez Cueva, Kevin Granata, Matthew Gregory Gwaltney, Caitlin Millar Hammaren, Jeremy Michael Herbstritt, Rachael Hill, Emily Jane Hilscher, Jarrett Lee Lane, Matthew Joseph La Porte, Henry J. Lee, also known as Henh Ly, Liviu Librescu, G.V. Loganathan, Partahi Mamora Halomoan Lumbantoruan, Lauren Ashley McCain, Daniel Patrick O’Neil, Juan Ramon Ortiz, Minal Hiralal Panchal, Erin Peterson, Michael Steven Pohle Jr., Julia Kathleen Pryde, Mary Karen Read, Reema Joseph Samaha, Waleed Mohammed Shaalan, Leslie Sherman, Maxine Turner, Nicole White

The social habits of the ‘iGen’ are changing the way we interact globally in a dramatic fashion, including how we grieve. Following the Virginia Tech tragedy this week, people began creating online tributes to the innocent lives lost. Myspace, YouTube and Facebook have thousands of postings dedicated to the victims. The Facebook tribute has over 360,000 members and there are thousands of YouTube videos with hundreds of thousands of views.

It appears that going online to share memories is becoming a new tradition. Here is some recent press covering this phenomenon:

- Social Media, Technology and Tragedy: On YouTube, Facebook, MySpace Today We Are All Hokies

- VTech Victim Memorials on Facebook

- A virtual hand of sympathy

- Virginia Tech Shootings: Role of Social Media & Search in Journalism

- Sharing grief, digitally

My friend and I were out one day to go visit his Nanny. At 82 she was a recent widow, and with her failing eyes and poor hearing the family decided a nursing home would be the safest option for her.

We got to the nursing home and went in. The place was full of old people in various states of activity. Nanny had only moved in the day before so my friend went to the front desk to ask “Can you tell me where my Nanny is please?”. The nurse smiled broadly and asked “Well dear, what’s your Nanny’s name? We have a lot of Nannies here”.

The look on my friend’s face was incredulous as he realized that his Nanny was just that, his nanny. I don’t think he had ever realized that she might be someone else to the rest of the world. He recovered quickly though. We had a great visit that day.

…let me introduce myself.I’ve been at home full time for 12 years this month. The lay off notice from work back then hit me like a ton of bricks. We had recently bought our first house, had a toddler, and my husband was starting his new career after being laid off. I was the primary breadwinner at the time.

I’ve travelled down the road since then, we are now ‘comfortable’ with one income and I have raised two great daughters. I wouldn’t trade a minute of it. Okay, that was a lie, there are a few minutes that I would gladly have traded! On the balance though it’s been a good journey.

In January I started something new. When Todd and Richard told me about Respectance I knew that I wanted to get involved.

I also think this is going to be a lot of fun. I am learning, and listening even more. Let me know what you think about our trip together. Let’s see where we end up!

As a child, I spent a good deal of time visiting family in the American midwest. My favorite aunt, uncle and cousins lived there. The time spent with them forms some of my fondest childhood memories. They lived out in the country side, near water and there was always lots to do if you didn’t mind the mosquitos.

My cousins were a lot younger than I, but were so much fun. In many ways they were so different than I was. I loved it there with them. I think we were good friends as kids.

When I was in University I got a call that my youngest cousin had died in a horrible accident. He was still just a child. I remember us piling into the car the next morning for the 10 hour drive to their home. I remember the house filled with baked goods and casseroles from the friends and neighbours, and filling fast with family from around America. It was a profoundly sad time. What I remember the most clearly though was that our family has never really recovered from the loss. We’ve moved on, but are all changed. I cannot imagine the agony that my Aunt and Uncle still suffer from the loss.

It took a long time before we spoke of him at family gatherings. By then, these gatherings had become much less frequent as I had grown into my own life. I still mourn my cousin, and when I visit my aunt and uncle I still wander around their home looking at my favorite pictures of him on their walls.

He died almost two decades ago now but if I close my eyes and sit very still I can hear him laughing with us.

I was reading diynotdie.com about the “resentment of breast cancer being the pretty one in the [cancer] family”. It was a comment that resonated with me on many levels. My daughter and I were out shopping a couple of weeks ago, and the store that we walked into was flooded with ‘pink ribbon’ branded products. These immediately caught her eye and she wanted to buy something ‘because it would help people with breast cancer’.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I hate shopping to start with. I especially hate advertising aimed at buying things we don’t need. I explained to my daughter that we didn’t need the pink thing. She said again ‘but it will help people with breast cancer’. Now the store clerk was looking at us and listening. I went on to explain to my daughter that we would be much better off to send a donation equal to the price of the item to the Cancer Society. The money would then go entirely to help people with cancer.

The sales clerk smirked.

I then explained to my daughter that the store sells the product and makes money from it. The company that distributes the product makes money from it. The product manufacturer makes money on it. How much of the money actually goes to cancer? We looked at the tags. No indication of the donation amount was made. By now the clerk was entirely focussed on us.

She interupted me! She said something to effect that “the pink ribbon campaign raises awareness of the disease as well”. I had to agree with her on this point, but at what cost?

I wonder, just like think before you pink does on their site what the real intentions of these marketing campaigns are. I suppose we have to examine each case carefully and decide on its own merits. It does concern me though that we are lured to buy anything ‘to help someone’. I for one would rather help by helping.

Like many women who leave the workforce to raise their children, I had a career change on re-entry. I didn’t think my change was really so dramatic. I went from a job which was based on co-ordinating technical work, to one which is based on writing. I ran into an acquaintance this week though whom I thought had made a much bigger shift.

I know her as the mother of one of my older daughter’s classmates. When the kids were young I would see her filling her days the way I filled mine –walking with the kids, feeding the ducks, at the river throwing rocks and exploring. She was always very active, and very engaged in her kid’s lives.

I ran into her the other day at the gym in a cycling class. We hadn’t seen one another in a while, and we chatted about what we were doing. I was very surprised to hear that she had gone back to school, and now worked at a cancer hospice with those who had less than three months to live. I asked her whether that wasn’t hard – didn’t it pull on her heartstrings? I was astounded when she told me it was quite the opposite. Her clients enriched her life, and welcomed her into theirs. I then began thinking about how much I get out of the blogs of the people I visit regularly. She and I are travelling down a similar path after all. I think it is a path of compassion.

I attended a volunteer meeting a while back and noticed one of our members seemed a bit…well…drunk. She was slurring her words, and her speech just seemed somehow off. I didn’t say anything to anyone though. We’ve been known to tip a few glasses in this particular group, and I just figured that at the end of a tough day my friend had exceeded a ‘prudent’ limit.

Later that week I was speaking with another member of this group, and she had noticed the same thing. We made a few jokes about it, and carried on. After having been seen ‘in this state’ fairly frequently on and off over the next month, people began to realize there was a problem. There was, in fact a very big problem. It wasn’t alcohol though. Upon the urging of her family and close friends, she went for extensive testing. The diagnosis seemed to take forever. Finally it came, and with great sadness was shared. ALS it seems - Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

Well, it’s been fully a year and a half since we heard the news. My friend carries on bravely with her life. She has a grace about her that I can only hope to have one day. Her friends are in the thick of planning a first annual fundraiser barn dance-with proceeds going to ALS of course. The going joke is no one will know if the guest of honor is drunk or not!

Most dispair with this diagnosis. Some continue in darkness, and a few manage to live out their lives celebrating each day.

I hope that we can have many more barn dances for my friend, with her attending as the guest of honor.

Now there’s a word you don’t often (ever) hear. If you are interested in the story of a fantastic 93 year old man who has lots to say then I recommend

dontoearth.blogspot.com

I wonder what his secret is. I’d like to make it mine.

It’s great to see the meshing of virtual social networking with real world socializing. The Kitchener Record covered a great story this weekend about Brent Bauman, a man who was tired of being alone. He searched the internet and started using a service called Meetup.com

This isn’t a dating site, or a site aimed at parties and casual encounters. Rather, people look through the ‘groups’ in their geographic locations. The group he was able to form in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada meets regularly to share coffee, ideas and laughs. There are meetings every week now, with new people joining all the time. It’s wonderful to see people using social networking to fill real needs in their lives

I read a great article yesterday by James A. Fussell of the Bellevillenewsdemocrat.com. He was reviewing a new magazine “Obit” which will focus on death and dying. The article goes on to propose that the baby boomers who are now coming on to their sixties are taking control of of the inevitable, and once taboo process of dying. It appears that the new trend is ’self authored’ obituaries.

Now, if you ask me, writing your own obituary is a little bit of a one-sided story. I’d like to think that when I die people will be more circumspect about my life than I am. Hopefully, they will be less critical. Mostly though, I hope they’ll have perspectives about me that I don’t. I think that it is easy to be self centred. I can understand wanting to make your own life sound the way you wished you had lived it. The truth of the matter is that all of our lives are made up of the good, the bad, and the ugly. I think it’s nice to hear what what other people think of me while I am alive. I’m sure it’ll be the same in death.

The Belleville News Democrat

I think whether we like to admit it or not, we tend to get wrapped up in our own lives and to neglect people around us. This was hit home for me last month. I phoned my mom for the ‘obligatory’ call home. You know the one.

She was hysterical as she answered the phone. The ambulance was there. Dad wasn’t responsive, he had no pulse. I did what I had to do, packed the kids, pjs and toothbrushes, dropped them at a neighbors and let my husband drive me the hour to the hospital. It was dark and snowy (of course), and slippery (or course), and the drive lasted an eternity. My heart sank when I finally got to the ER and it was a social worker who greeted me. I’d heard stories of these people, the harbingers of death and terrible news.

The night was a scene out of a bad hospital movie. I didn’t know so many horrible things could be done to someone. My dad. The respirator, the scissors, the CT scans the tubes and monitors. My dad. I should call the rest of my family the social worker said. My dad was gravely ill. I told her we were all there. All three of us.

I’m not ready to tell you about everything that happened. I can tell you that a month later he’s okay. I can also tell you that everything has changed. I have time to call. I make time in my day every day to speak with him and mom. I make time to listen to what they want to say, to what they need to tell me. I’m lucky. I guess it’s true, you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s (almost) gone. Was it luck or fate that I called when I did? That’s something else to think about.

I was absolutely astounded to read about ‘Charlie’, a stock trader for Goldman Sachs, who spent over 500 hours on a social networking site in the last six months FROM WORK. Now I can only assume this Oxford educated guy would know that his company tracks computer usage. I might even go so far as assume that if caught, he might care. You know what they say about assumptions though.

This ‘Charlie’ guy actually posted the warning letter form his IT department to his personal page, stating he’s proud of his status, and that he’d rather lose his job than his account at Facebook. WOW. I hope for the sake of Respectance that you all become as hooked on our site as this guy is to his.

I think that this is one you’ll have to read on your own to believe. Thanks to TechCrunch for pointing this one out!

If you’ve been wondering where I’ve been these last few weeks, I’ll tell you. I have whooping cough. Now who knew that in 2007 (after having gotten vaccinated for it) I could still get it? I’ve been hacking for weeks. It’s the pits really. The symptoms are suppressed with medicine and I plod on with life. I went on the family holiday we had booked and resigned myself to having to be sick.

What really struck me though was my husband’s comment on hearing my ‘exciting’ news.

“Well at least you won’t die from it like my Aunt did”. His comment really hit a nerve. It’s amazing how we take it for granted that we’ll get better when we are sick. I don’t think that many of us put it in perspective how only a generation ago we would have died of the common ailments that are easily treated today.

In an attempt to develop a new metric for web site useage this week compete.com released their Compete Attention 200 list. This is a list of the two hundred sites that garner the largest share of our attention on the web. It is based on the amount of time American internet users spend on the top 1 million sites.

What really struck me was that the social media sites took so many of the top rankings. It appears that we are enjoying spending time with our online communities more and more. It will be interesting to follow this trend on a month over month basis.

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Techcrunch, one of my new favorite sites, spoke today about virtual gifts. You can now purchase small icons and ’send’ them to your friends on Facebook. This is an incredible leap forward in social networking on the web. We now have friends in a virtual medium to whom we can send virtual gifts bought with real dollars.

The first month the money from the icons will be given to charity, after that the money will presumably go to their bottom line. The ability to purchase accessories with real money within the gaming world has been quite successful. Achaea has been doing it for years. It will be interesting to see whether people buy into this concept on the social level, or whether they find it to be the antithesis of web 2.0.

I came across a fantastic site today. It features Canadian War veterans telling their war stories and memories in audio or video format. It’s incredible to listen, and to watch how clearly these men’s and women’s lives have been impacted by what happened to them a lifetime ago. Have a look and listen to some good stories.

www.vac-acc.gc.ca

Then think about coming back and telling yours.